And So It Begins (again)

Just as the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, the journey of going on leave begins with an out-of-office reply. Below is the real out-of-office reply that my poor colleagues will receive when they mail me.

Good day dearest colleague,

I am out office, out of country, and out of my mind (only the first two are unusual, the third will remain once I return).  I will be uncontactable by most conventional means, and some unconventional means (long distance pigeons, and morse code, for example).  Please reach out to Abisha Moyo for anything truly urgent.  Anything else will be dealt with when I’m back in early January.

If it’s really, really urgent, you can try to summon me by placing three Castle Lites in the shape of an equilateral triangle, with a candle in the centre, and humming Gustav Holst’s Jupiter theme.  If the summoning does not work, please enjoy the beers, the music, and the candlelight, and the sense of urgency may decrease. 

On the 26^th of November 2024, I will be traveling to the Far East (Kempton Park).  I will then catch a flight from O.R. Tambo to the Slightly Farther (but no less exotic if you’ve ever been in Kempton Park on a payday weekend) East (or would the correct term be Far Easter?). 

I think that starting this message with a haiku, might be apt.  Haiku is a form of Japanese poetry, consisting of three lines.  The first line has five morae, the second line has seven, and the third has five again.  A mora is kinda like a syllable, but also not.  Do not confuse a mora with a moray unless you enjoy very dangerous poetry.  Here we go.

返事なし

携帯閉じた

幸せよ

Or, in English :

No replies

Cellphone stays closed

This is happiness

I hope that you are happy when you hear I am taking a break, but I hope even more that you are immensely envious, and please tell me about it.  “It’s not worth doing something unless someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren’t doing it.” – Terry Pratchett.

It has been requested that I include some facts in this mail.  I have recently learned about a term in logic called “Vacuous Truth”.  The following is a fact:

“I will reply to every email I read between now and the 8^th of January.”

If I do not read any of my emails, and do not reply to any of them, I will reply to all the emails I read. 

And now, for something completely different.

You may not have noticed that this message is in the Times New Roman font.  Well, it would be a bit weird, albeit impressive, had you noticed that.  It’s completely irrelevant (depending on your definition of the word) but I thought I’d mention it anyway.  It also reminded me of a story. 

A Roman man walks into a bar.  He looks at the bartender, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers please.” 

I just had the thought that Rome is in modern day Italy, so Italian could be considered “New Roman” and I now want to invent a herby pasta dish called Thyme New Roman.  Perhaps served with a Caesar salad on the side?

I can’t find anything else particularly interesting about Times New Roman.  Apparently, I am no font of knowledge.  I guess being bold might make up for it?  (Sorry, I’m done).

This is where I say farewell, but not goodbye (although, who knows what might happen) and wish you the best in your every endeavour (unless they’re endeavours that I disagree with, in which case, I hope you fail gently).  Please enjoy my time away, and then enjoy your time away. 

Yours sincerely, despite all evidence to the contrary,

Lord Cameron P. Clarence

Keeper of Wasps

Friend of Cthulu™

Drinker of Water

Lister of Made-Up Titles

Not-Knower of When to Let a Joke Die

P.O. Box 16 Melville 2109

P. S. is the name of a chocolate produced by Cadbury